It’s tough dating a trauma girl.

She’s a woman, yet there’s also a childlike quality about her.

She is confusing and it’s hard to explain why.

She looks so normal; she smiles so sweetly, and she seems so happy on the outside.

What you can’t see is she still has echoes of her past driving her behavior today.

It’s not obvious.

She starts off all hot and heavy, every man’s fantasy woman.

She is wild and fiery and passionate, it’s almost like she’s forgotten what’s happened to her in those moments.

She thinks that is what you want.

It’s a performance.

How it has to be for her to be loved and accepted but as a long play, it isn’t sustainable for her.

You notice her begin to change and it confuses you as you may not have yet been confided in about her past.

It might be she just pulls away when you touch a certain way. She can’t explain why but she doesn’t like it even though you’re delivering it through a lens of love.

She changes even more and it’s confusing.

What happened to the sexy women you met?  

She doesn’t mean to, she doesn’t want to, but she withdraws.

She’s not as affectionate.

The things that seemed so exciting to you, she remembers in a different way.

She remembers being hurt disappointed and feeling like she was being punished for being her. Her expression no matter how it shows up feels shameful.

She really wants to love you. But life has taught her it’s easier and it’s safer, that there’s less to lose when the walls are up and she’s by herself.

The trauma girl is complex.

She reaches for the thing that you offer with one hand while pushing it away with the other.

She knows that she’s hurting you. She knows you deserve better. Every day she thinks that she should just go, leave, set you free so you can find a normal girl.

A girl who hasn’t been wounded.

Has never faced the confusion of having to pull apart what is loving and what is hurtful, what is controlling.

A girl that can relax in every moment when you touch her and doesn’t have an unconscious program that this could hurt, this could be forced but this doesn’t mean love.

The trauma girl has well-versed in the power-play the manipulation, the games men play to overpower her agency and to control her.

This means that sometimes the lines between your intention and her experience blur.

Logically she knows you have the best intentions at heart, but a lifetime of pain and disappointment tells her otherwise and her internal battle rages on.

So when you’re reached for her looking for affection and intimacy with your desire for love, it clashes with a lifetime of experience that demonstrates otherwise.

Please be kind.

The trauma girl most likely has been used and sexually abused by men since childhood, when your first experiences of sex and closeness were when you were older. When it was consensual, and nothing was taken for you violently and with fear.

Her first experiences with loving and those memories from childhood are ones that have driven her behavior her whole life. And she may not have realised it.

The acting out.

The over-sexualisation of her behaviour in the bedroom.

What on the outside is perceived as slutty behaviour, is really just the symptoms of abuse and an attempt to take back control of her life.

The only way she knows how.

I mean, what is given can’t be taken away right?

So for those of you to take on a relationship with a trauma girl you too have choices.

To walk away. To find a girl who has no trauma, but let’s face it in this day and age that’s a challenge in itself.

Or you stay. And your skin thickens and you get used to the person you love drawing away, pulling back, rejecting your affection and you accept that from a place of love and understanding.

You let her lead.

You accept her quirks and kinks.

You love all the sharp edges that can appear without warning, and you relearn alongside what love, and intimacy is.

In that space of patient love, you might be able to help the trauma girl relearn what intimacy is and in turn support a transformation of both your lives.

Are you a trauma girl or in love with one and need support? Book a free call to discover how coaching can help: